Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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