During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Let's paint friendship bongs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
