Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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