You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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