my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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