I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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