Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
