She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This baby is an asshole
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize