Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
