I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I believe in your delicious
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
