you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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