the condom got lost in my hair
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
