What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
