If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
