You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
