someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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