The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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