I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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