she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
