Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
