I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
