I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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