Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
