once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
