alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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