Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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