i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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