I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
