I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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