like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
