At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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