I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize