The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
