she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
