My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i believe in u and ur pee
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
