a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
