see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
