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I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
