yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
