there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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