coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
