i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just forgot I was standing up.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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