you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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