For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
