I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
