Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize