You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
