Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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