please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
