If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
