last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
