I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
