But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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