1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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