I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
