the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
