Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
