our cab driver is having phone sex.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
