PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
