I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
