i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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