Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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