I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
