I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
