Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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