is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
