I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
