Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
