yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My dad is sitting where you rode me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
