i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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